rejectomorph (flying_blind) wrote,


The bluish haze which hangs over the ridge today is actually a type of smog. Pollutants rising from the valley mingle with vapors emitted by the trees. They form tiny particles which don't develop that gray or brown look that urban smog has. The sky remains blue, but has a visual density which obscures distance. It is vaguely distressing, and decidedly unhealthy. The Sacramento Bee recently ran an article about this sort of smog. I was going to save it, but I've been so distracted of late that I misplaced it. The haze is like that sustained anxiety I've been feeling; something that is constantly sensed, just hanging there, making it difficult to puzzle out what is really there and what is merely imagined from a vague suggestion. I don't like living this way.

The older cat is not well. I can see the changes that age is making in her, almost from day to day. She eats less, drinks less water, sleeps more, moves with less agility. To make things worse, for the first time in years, both cats have been infested with fleas and are miserable with them, and I don't think she is healthy enough to go through the treatment to get rid of them. Just one more plague from the most miserable summer I can remember enduring.

After a year or so of modest improvement, my mother's back has gotten worse in recent days, and her other health problems are being aggravated by this. I fear that she may soon be entirely bedridden once again, as she was the winter before last. Furthermore, while my father is still in fairly good health otherwise, his sense of balance, which had at least ceased to deteriorate for some time, appears to be getting worse again. He still tries to do things he shouldn't, and I have to keep an eye on him whenever possible to make sure he doesn't fall and injure himself. Altogether, this is keeping me busy, but busy in that way which has a great deal of idle time mixed in, all of it in small fragments of little use for anything other than worry.

Now, at this worst possible of times, a person in the neighborhood who I believe to be unstable has come to believe that I am a threat to him, and has slanderously accused me of acts of which I know nothing. Someone has lied to him, and I don't know who, though I have some suspicions. This has put me on edge, because I have no idea what to do about it. I have neither the time nor the money to engage in a lawsuit for defamation, I have no idea how far this lie has spread, and I absolutely do not trust this unstable person or his friends, many of whom appear to me to be thugs. Although he has been warned by the police to stay away from me, I still think he is capable of some vicious act. More worrisome is that shadowy figure who gave him the misinformation to begin with. Whoever it is, their act is incomprehensible to me, and their motivation a mystery. I suspect that they were engaged in misdirection, but I can't be sure. I made a follow-up call to the police a week after reporting the original incident, and they only insisted that I shouldn't worry.

Well, I worry. Every time something even a bit out of the ordinary happens now, I get jumpy and wonder what it means. All I want to do is be here to help out my parents in their last years. I can't move them, and there is no one else to take care of them. I'm pretty much stuck here for the time being. I can deal with the inevitable disruption that comes from living in a house with the frail and ill, however difficult that may be, but the anxiety and uncertainty that comes from this additional stress is too unnerving.

Here, as elsewhere, there are too many people with too much time on their hands, worms in their brains, and malice in their hearts. I just hope that, eventually, I or someone else can find the original source of this lie and expose them for the vile and destructive pieces of misery that they are.

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