rejectomorph (flying_blind) wrote,
rejectomorph
flying_blind

Reset Six, Day Five: Inexplicable Dementia Crap

Someone was on the bike trail after midnight. That happens sometimes. There was some guy on a skateboard, and someone on a bike that had a squeak in the mechanism. I heard a snatch of conversation, but don't remember it. It seemed an oddly discrete event, detached from everything before and after it. I have no idea why. It's not as though I can actually understand time, or how my brain works. It's like traveling through a heavy fog, and suddenly someone traveling the other way emerges, and you pass each other, then both vanish into the fog again, but you don't see yourself vanish, only the other person, who sees only you vanish. Except the people on the bike trail never even knew I was there, hidden by that big fence. I was the only one who had that experience. Strange, how that almost seems to seem to mean something.

A bit earlier I'd had another experience entirely by myself. I woke up. The room was hot. Vague memories of other hot rooms crossed my mind. The lamp on the bedside table was on, but the window blinds were dark so I knew it was night. But I had no idea what night it was. I had no memory of having fallen asleep, and no idea what day it was. I couldn't remember the last thing that happened before I fell asleep, but did remember falling asleep other times in those other hot rooms. I wondered if I had posted a journal entry that would remind me of what day it had been and what had happened. I got up and wandered into the bathroom where I found the cellphone plugged in to charge, and it told me that it was 11:38 on Thursday, May 28. That didn't clear anything up, really, and I wondered if perhaps I'd gone to sleep Wednesday and slept clear through Thursday's daylight cycle. It seemed entirely possible.

Making my way to the living room I discovered that the computer was still on but the monitor had been turned off. The monitor being off was an indication that I had deliberately chosen to go nap, and hadn't just accidentally fallen asleep again, and the computer being on meant that I hadn't bedded down for the night, so I probably hadn't been sleeping since Wednesday. But where the hell did Thursday go? In the kitchen I found a pan on the stove with some grease in it, and the vague memory of having cooked and eaten something came back to me. So there had been a Thursday, and I had lived through it, but only the most tenuous traces of it remained.

So I went outside. It was still hot out there too. Midnight must have passed about then. As I sat in the chair something began to return to me. I had been sitting there in the late afternoon heat, a large helicopter had passed over and returned and passed over again several times, not circling but moving in a straight line each time, and going very slowly, and I had no idea why it was happening, and I thought well, there's a metaphor for my life. And I had started nodding off, hearing the trucks passing along the freeway, and each time I woke up I thought maybe I should go in and take a short nap, because if I kept sitting there my head would surely loll back and forth repeatedly and my neck would get farther out of joint than it already is, and I have no chiropractor, and if I go in and sit at the computer I will surely nod off and fall out of the armless chair and crack my head open on the floor and lay there confused and dying for several days. And remembering this I remembered going in and switching off the computer monitor and then plugging in the cellphone to charge and then falling onto the bed and closing my eyes. Thursday! There you are!

And while I was remembering this while sitting in the post-midnight heat, the squeaky bike and skateboard guys passed along the bike trail like something out of reality, arcane and inexplicable, and I thought to my unseen self who they didn't know was vanishing from their lives just as they were vanishing from mine: It's starting all over again. Dammit, it's starting all over again.
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