rejectomorph (flying_blind) wrote,

An Epiphany

Today I had an epiphany. I realized how lucky I am not to have a certain "true love" who is, in reality, an extravagant showoff. Thus I wish to express my gratitude that my life has not been overwhelmed by the chaos of 12 drummers drumming, 22 pipers piping (what an ungodly racket the 34 of them would make), 30 lords a-leaping (think of the damage such a troupe would be likely to do to my house and its contents, not to mention the terror they would visit on my poor cats), 36 ladies dancing (not vigorously, I would hope), 40 maids a-milking (I would have to insist that they, and the creatures from whom they were extracting the milk, remain outside), 42 swans a-swimming (again, outside with this lot, and the pond they swam in on), and 42 geese a-laying (over there, the other side of the swans' pond, please.)

Now, the 40 golden rings wouldn't be so bad, though I'm sure I'd have to sell every last one of them just to feed the rest of this weird menagerie that would soon be plaguing me. The 36 calling birds? Again, probably not so bad— in fact I'm sure I've had as many calling birds in my yard at once a few times in the past. As for the 27 Geese a-laying, at least they would be providing eggs for the gathering crowd, and the geese themselves could be cooked and eaten.

Also, the 30 French hens and 24 turtle doves might not be especially troublesome if they stayed outdoors, but the winter climate here might make short work of any of those doves who remained uneaten, unless they had the good sense to migrate down to Mexico, and I'd probably have to arrange for a coop for any of the hens I didn't cook and eat (or feed to the other gifts) right away. As for the 12 partridges in 12 pear trees, if the other gifts were finicky and refused to eat the birds I'm sure I could find a local restaurant willing to take them off my hands. A dozen pear trees would tend to crowd my yard, but it would be nice to have one or two, and it would be easy enough to find people willing to take the others.

The biggest problem with such a "true love" would be their lack of any sense of proportion. The first few days I'd be able to deal with, but once we got past the first of those golden rings on the fifth day, and that day's four additional calling birds, three more French hens, two additional turtle doves, and the fifth pear tree-partridge combo, well, I can tell you I'd be starting to freak out. Should I ever acquire a "true love" I do hope they turn out to be someone with the good sense to quit while they are ahead. Otherwise, just let me have a faithless love with a modicum of good sense!

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