July 3rd, 2020


Reset Nine, Day One

After not sleeping well Wednesday night, a Thursday evening nap became necessary, and I woke up almost exactly at midnight. The witching hour, according to some, but I didn't feel especially bewitched, or bewitching. In fact waking up at midnight is kind of a bitch. Which is what life is, according to some, and then you die. I don't feel especially dead yet, either. I would expect being dead to be somewhat less fraught than this. Dead people seem, as a rule, to be much more relaxed than I am at the moment.

While I have no actual experience of being dead (as far as I can recall) and thus am unable to speak definitively, I am quite skeptical that, were I dead, I would just have taken a vitamin D capsule and washed it down with sparkling water. But if I am in fact dead I must say I don't think much of it. So far it's indistinguishable from being alive. But, as I said, I don't think I am dead yet. To paraphrase the poet, the grave's a fine and private place, but none I think do there have anxiety attacks.

Spending a bit of time breathing the cool night air in the backyard and listening to the crickets had a bit of a calming effect, but the freeway seems to have more traffic than has been usual lately, which diminished the efficacy of the cricket song. Having a bowl of spicy ramen also helped a bit, but since I don't drink beer with ramen, I am missing the calming effect of alcohol. There was a time (long ago) and a place (far away) when, filled with this much nervous energy, I'd have gone out or a nocturnal walk. But in this place at this time such a thing would not be wise, even if my muscles and joints still had the energy my nerves have.

It's not certain when I'll be able to get to sleep again, but I hope it will be soon. The days are still too hot for comfortable sleep, and will soon be getting even hotter again. Without the nocturnal respite from the heat this place would be intolerable this time of year. And this time of year has a long time to run.