July 15th, 2019

caillebotte_man at his window


The rent check is in the public mailbox at the plaza, waiting to be picked up tomorrow at eleven o'clock. It will probably reach the landlord two or three days late. I almost forgot it again, hunkered down in the air conditioned apartment. Memory struck about half an hour before sunset, so I roused myself and made my way to the mailboxes, cutting across that big, empty parking lot with the cracked pavement. The sun was low enough that it was almost all in shade, but I felt the heat rising from it nonetheless.

After dropping the envelope I decided to go to CVS, just a couple of hundred feet down the road and back across another part of the big, empty parking lot. There was nothing in particular I wanted, and nothing I saw caught my fancy, but I bought a six pack of porter since I'd be needing one in a couple of days anyway, and brought it home and drank one with some leftover chips. I didn't make dinner again. It is still too hot, and I'm feeling too morose.

I forgot to not breathe in the shower and inhaled some water, which set off a coughing jag that lasted several minutes. I felt like I was suffocating. Drowning is a kind of suffocation, I guess. Dying in a fire is a kind of suffocation, too, which is how my cats probably died, and coughing painfully in the shower I kept thinking of them. It was probably way more painful and frightening for them, though, blinded by the smoke and feeling the intense heat that was searing their air passages. I got to dry off and go out into a cooler air conditioned room.

After not having dinner I went out into the back yard and saw the yellowish moon hanging alone in the sky. I can't tell if it's full or not, as my failing eyesight makes it too blurry to tell how round it is. I listened to the two crickets chirping in and out of sync, while to moonlight fell across the strange bushes and trees of this strange place. My chest is still sore from the coughing. That's not much of a problem. Forgetting to remember to not breathe in the shower is not much of a problem. Forgetting to mail the rent check is not much of a problem. The remembering is the problem, especially the remembering of what I don't really know. That will always be the problem from now on.

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