||[Jul. 7th, 2019|11:55 pm]
A slight breeze has come up tonight. It rustles the small, dark red leaves of a tree down the bike path and makes it sound as though soft rain were falling. The crickets continue to chirp furiously in the warm air. A jet, lights flashing, passes far overhead, but near enough that its sound can be heard above the rumble of the freeway. The only other light in the starless sky is the crescent moon. I have a sudden fancy that I am hearing sounds from some other time, as though I were eavesdropping on the past. It must be someone else's past, as I can't recall any moment of my own quite like this. |
Now I'm trying to imagine the river. It's only a few miles west, but I've never seen this part of it. I've seen it at Sacramento, and at Woodland, at Red Bluff and Anderson and Redding, but never here. It suddenly strikes me a odd that in all the time I've been here I haven't even given the river a thought. It's out there, carrying last winter's melted snow away, the moon's reflection glinting and wobbling on the rippling surface. In the back of my mind thoughts about things borne off by floods, but I can't make them come clear.
The thing is that I have no clear idea how I fetched up in this odd place, when it could have been so different. Doing one thing rather than another, changing a decision, or doing nothing instead of something, and I would be somewhere else, or perhaps nowhere at all. I doubt any changes would have landed me in any of the lives I have ever imagined, as I certainly never imagined this one, but it could so easily been something other than this. I wonder if I'd have been as dissatisfied in any of them as I am here? Maybe dissatisfaction isn't the consequence of any decision, but just what I do. I've never been all that satisfied anywhere I've been, but I don't recall ever having been quite as dissatisfied as I am in this place of displacement.
I just realized that I forgot to eat dinner tonight. That, among other things, is probably making me cranky. I guess I'll go heat up a can beans. I wish I'd remembered to put out some butter to soften. I wish I'd gotten to Safeway this weekend to buy some fresh bread. I wish the night wasn't so full of Chico. I wish my brain wasn't so full of me.
( Sunday VerseCollapse )