June 13th, 2019

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I've Probably Got Heat Stroke, Because This Makes No Sense

Today's sweltering excursion was to the Goodwill store and then CVS, where I bought a pair of scissors and a loaf of bread. The two items will not be used in conjunction with one another— at least not at this time. The scissors I will probably use to periodically hack off portions of my hair, and the bread I will most likely devour, sometimes toasted, with various other comestibles spread upon it and/or placed between two slices of it. I'm about to eat an instance of the latter shortly, as I have ingested very little sustenance so far today. I have consumed mostly liquids, so that I would not become a dehydrated husk and end up being blown hither and yon whenever the air begins moving again.

Tomorrow (today now, midnight having passed again) would be an excellent day to visit Safeway due to a sale that lasts only two days, the first of which was today. There is a great deal on a frozen item that I wouldn't dare try to bring back on the bus in this weather, but it seems unlikely that I'll be able to arrange transport by automobile. I suppose I could try one of the ride-sharing services, but that would be so costly that I could probably just buy the frozen item for its regular price at Trader Joe's and walk it home in five or six minutes. But the regular price is itself too costly, so I will probably end up not getting it. I do not belong in an automobile-dependent place.

The shorts I bought at K-mart yesterday must be exchanged. I bought the small pair, which I was sure would be adequate, but they turned out to be too tight, so I will need a medium. As I have not been gorging myself during the heat wave, I can only assume that I'm gaining weight because I'm drinking too much. That's the only thing that could account for it at this time. Other than pregnancy, of course, but if I'm pregnant I will soon be famous for being the oldest male human ever to reproduce by Parthenogenesis, and then I won't have to worry about going over my budget, as my story will be worth a fortune to the media. I want Leo DiCaprio to play me in the movie. He'll want to come here to study me carefully, of course, so he can get all my quirks and mannerisms just right, and as long as he'll be here anyway he can bring his car and take me on errands.

Of course that's just a dream, as I'm probably not pregnant at all, simply getting more belly and ass fat from drinking too much beer. But Leo is welcome to come stay with me anyway. I could really use a driver in this place, and it might a well be him. I mean I sure as hell don't want Robert Downey Jr. driving me around town! I feel unsafe enough on Chico's streets already!