April 28th, 2019

laszlo moholy-nagy_chx

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights

My grasp of the passage of time is getting worse. I thought it was going on eleven, and here it is past one o'clock. I thought I had a couple of fresh onions in my cupboard and in fact they have been in there so long they have sprouted. I didn't even notice when the white flowers on the bush along the back fence reached their peak, but now I notice that most of them have withered and fallen or started turning brown.

I got nothing done today. Friday was not too bad but Thursday and today I just totally vegetated. Today I didn't even notice it was happening. Though actually I do remember doing quite a bit of aimless pacing this afternoon, while my brain rattled on about something I've now forgotten.

Right now I don't feel like sleeping, but I want to get up early tomorrow so I'm drinking another beer. Maybe I'll gt lucky and pass out. More likely I'l try to read and be unable to concentrate, and end up staring at the walls and listening to the trucks going by on the freeway. I miss the soothing music of the nocturnal frogs. I miss the purring of my cats.
caillebotte_man at his window


The night cools and becomes pleasant to feel, but remains too loud with frequent cars going to fast, and lacking frogs and crickets, so does not please my ears. Now an then a bit of breeze will rustle some nearby leaves, but there is no background hum of pine needles. There were great mounds of clouds over the mountains this afternoon, but they were too far away to capture my imagination.

I got a ride to Safeway and bought some things, but shopping took too long. Even after going to that store more than a dozen times over the last few months I still can't remember where things are, and my eyesight is so poor that I struggle to see what is on the shelves. It has become a very strange life. I don't know that I'll ever get used to it.

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