December 15th, 2018



The apartment leasing event got delayed again (no surprise to me— my world abounds in flakiness anymore) and is unlikely to happen tomorrow due to the heavy rain that is expected, but it might come off on Monday. I've been thinking how that particular apartment would have seemed to me had I gotten it when I was maybe twenty or so, and as a result of my own choice. Way better than getting it at the age I am now, and as a result of a disaster. I've tried to capture the optimistic mindset of a twenty-year-old me, but I'm afraid that such sleight of mind is now beyond me.

Since I arrived here I don't recall having any dreams, until last night. I remembered only a few images when I woke, and those were quite disturbing, I suspect that the dreams will be coming more frequently now, and the images will grow even more disturbing. I pretty much crawled into a protective cocoon when I first got here, but now that I have to go out and deal with more and more reality there is bound to be more anxiety. I do hope the new neighbors won't be too put out by my PTSD nightmare screams in the middle of the night.

Outside a fog has formed. It isn't very thick, but thick enough to conceal a traffic signal a few blocks away that is usually visible from the fairly high back porch of this house. All that can be seen is the general glow of the streetlights at the intersection and an occasional shift of their tone as the signal changes colors. It's oddly hypnotic to watch.

The entire fire zone was opened to residents today for the first time since the disaster, and tomorrow it will be open to everyone. Getting around in the town will be restricted, though, due to much cleanup activity on the various cross streets. Authorities want all visitors to stay in the three silos formed by the three main roads leading into town. Though the place is likely to be chaotic, if I drove I'd be up there searching for any trace of any of my cats, but I don't drive and nobody here wants to go into the chaos. Well, this is what I get for being a troubled loner.