|If you swallow THAT thing, you're going to NEED Oxygen!
||[Mar. 10th, 2008|07:52 pm]
I was a bit surprised last night (meaning very early this morning— about three o'clock or so) when, while channel surfing, I caught a brief glimpse of what looked like a huge, purple penis. Sure that my eyes had played a trick on me, and visited by a somewhat comic vision of Barney slaughtered by poachers who had |whacked hacked off his member (for use in some bizarre ritual, or to sell to a practitioner of traditional Chinese medicine who would use it in a potion he would claim could restore the sexual potency of old men whose factories produced lead-based paint used on Barney toys sold to American children), I retraced my clicks and discovered, to my astonishment, that I did, I did, see a purple penis!
Well, a sort of penis, and not Barney's. It was a translucent purple dildo, of all things, which the two smiling young women who held it referred to as a "double dong", it being the sort that featured a "head" at each end. They bent it into various shapes to display its flexibility, and they fondled it, swearing to it's gentle firmness and its pleasant texture. They were quite nonchalant. I practically had to pick my jaw up off the floor. As I watched, flabbergasted, they went on to display several more dildoes; some of plastic, some of glass; some lifelike in appearance, others quite abstract; some of modest dimensions, others enormous; some with an attachment the women referred to as "a rabbit", and some lacking this appurtenance; some with the ability to vibrate, or to gyrate, or to do other things no actual penis could do, and some (thankfully) as plain as, well, peckers; some available for only a few dollars, others selling for three figures. Yes, it turned out that I was watching a dildo infomercial!
This surprised me because, as far as I knew, none of the channels in my cable lineup were of the sort on which one might expect to see such a thing. I checked the "display" feature and discovered that this astonishing parade of tricky dicks was being brought to me by the Oxygen network, aka "O", aka "Oh!", aka (to me, at least, from now on) "Ooooh, OoooOOOhh, OOOOOOOaaahhhh!" Oxygen was launched in 2000, intended as a channel to provide programming for young women, and among its early backers was Oprah Winfrey, whose fame, I suspect, may have had something to do with the choice of name. The long-time head of the network was Geraldine Laybourne, who had earlier spent 16 years running... Nickelodeon!
Late in 2007, Oxygen was purchased by NBC Universal, reportedly for 75 million shy of a billion smackers. I'm pretty sure the programming lineup of such gems as "The Bad Girls Club", "Girls Behaving Badly", and "Talk Sex With Sue Johanson", predate NBC's ownership. It also features goatloads of reruns of old network shows. But as far as its limited original programming goes, the main thrust of it (if you'll pardon the expression) appears to be what might be called (if one wishes to be flippant, which I certainly do) T&A for Owners. I suspect that much of it could also be labeled Jiggle for Janes, but that might be a bit too flippant.
Anyway, after recovering from the initial shock, I found the sudden appearance of a dildo infomercial on one of my cable channels quite diverting, and I was further amused by the fact that the company selling the items (there were well over a dozen of them available) had even bothered to provide separate phone numbers for male and female customers— why, I'm not sure, since I can't imagine there were more than a tiny handful of males— even gay males— perhaps even especially gay males— deliberately watching that channel. For myself, having once seen the dildo infomercial (and no, I ordered none of them), I feel no need to ever see it again. I probably won't be relying on the Oxygen Network's regular programming to fulfill any of my viewing desires, either. It strikes me as being, for the most part, a silly channel. Chances are, the dildo infomercial is the most interesting thing it has to offer.