July 30th, 2006


Bad Times

Very late, by the time Venus appears above the emerging outline of the eastern mountains, the still, cool air has taken on a scent of marshlands and a hint of fog. Waking, I find this surprise. I might have dreamed it while I lay fevered indoors, driven at last by exhaustion to sleep even through the stabbing of my head which grew worse as the medication wore off.

Earlier, I had intended to water the lawn as, when walking across it to get a better view of the waxing moon, I had heard it crunch under my feet as it does when frozen. The similarity was startling. I wanted to deprive summer of its disturbing imitation of winter by saturating the dessicated grass. Distracted, I forgot. Now I see the brown lawn by morning light, and that unexpected scent is in the air. Everything is askew these days, and my hammered head can't take it in. Extremes and dislocations are misaligning the world and my perceptions of it. The time is a weaving of confusions.

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laszlo moholy-nagy_chx

Ow head

What I would like right now is for a mountain lion to kill me. Big cats usually do quick, clean kills. They grab their prey from behind and snap their necks, so it's all over in seconds. The problem is that after killing a human a lion will itself be hunted and killed. Ages ago, you could have lion kill you and not have the lion be marked for destruction as a result. Bureaucracy ruins everything. I cannot feed a lion without self-important members of my self-important species going all vengeful.

But if I thought the lion could get away with it, I'd like one to kill me. That's what I would like on this lovely summer day.


The northwestern sky had some remarkable sunset color tonight. Massed clouds glowed dusky pink along the horizon and bluish mauve above. I put the sprinkler on the dry lawn and listened to the water falling as I watched the sky fade and the first stars appear. It would have been a perfect moment for a lion to come and eat me, but none appeared. My cat purred, though.

I think I'm becoming resistant to ibuprofen already- and just when I finally go a bottle of the liquid so I won't have to swallow pills. I might have to switch to the naproxen sodium, and I don't think that's available in a liquid form. Rats!