rejectomorph (flying_blind) wrote,

Getting Poled

Today I've worked myself into a somewhat manic state, with my brain churning out thoughts that I imagine to be brilliant but which are probably quite stupid. It's one of the perils of having even a mild case of bipolar disorder. A few days ago I saw only my own dullness, and now I see my cleverness, but the rational part of my brain tells me that I was not Miss Bates last week, nor am I Mister Knightly now (guess what I've been re-reading lately.) Of course as a guy I couldn't have been Miss Bates even if I was very like Miss Bates, because I'd have to have been Mister Bates or, were I much younger, Master Bates.

See, the manic part of my brain just told me to say that because it was a really clever pun, but the rational part of my brain knows perfectly well that it was just another really stupid pun. But if the rational part of my brain keeps calling me on my manic bullshit, my manic state will collapse into a depressive state prematurely, and I'm sort of enjoying the manic state and would hate to lose it before I really must. Even though the rational part of my brain is telling me that I really must right now, and the sooner the better.

But one of the things that comes after the collapse is me kicking myself for losing all the brilliant-seeming thoughts I had while I was manic, even though the rational part of my brain will be saying What did I just tell you!? Those thoughts were probably quite stupid! But some other part of my brain is telling me that the rational part of my brain doesn't know everything, and might not even be all as rational as it is currently telling me it is. So I don't know what to think. I guess I will just have to let the whole thing run its course, as usual.

Damn, I hate being even mildly bipolar, but I sure am glad I'm not seriously bipolar. That must be a real workout.

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