rejectomorph (flying_blind) wrote,

Get Your Act Together, Zach

For the last several weeks I've been getting emails from various colleges trying to recruit some guy with my last name but the first name Zach. Not all of the emails have Zach in the header, but several of them have. As my name is Joe and the email address the messages are reaching has my first and middle initials, neither of which is a Z, this seemed a bit odd to me. They certainly weren't being sent to my son Zach, who doesn't exist, nor any other Zach in my family, none of whom exist. I thought they might stop soon, but they just keep coming. Clearly all these schools want to get a response from Zach, but there's nothing I can do about it as Zach, whoever he is, isn't here.

But the persistent emails have begun to worry me. Specifically, I have begun to suspect that I have developed Multiple Personality Disorder. It is characteristic of MPD that the victim has no conscious awareness of the existence of the other personality or personalities they have developed. Well, I certainly have no conscious awareness of Zach, being aware of him only through those emails over which I have no control. It's also the case that My memory isn't as good as it once was. Perhaps I can't remember what I did yesterday because Zach was doing something of which I'm unaware, spending my time as his.

"Zach" is certainly not a name from my generation, and he has dealings with colleges, so I'm assuming he is fairly young. But he probably isn't very bright. Suppose he gets accepted to a college and shows up in my body, as he must. Who would believe that he is young once they see me walk into the dorm? Of course it's possible that Zach isn't really interested in going to college, but is just getting a bunch of spam.In fact he hasn't opened any of the emails, which suggests that he is a procrastinator. Now what is the point of having multiple personalities if the others are going to have the same flaws one's original personality has?

I'm not sure I like Zach, but I am a bit curious about him. For one thing, I wonder if he has an income? I might be able to borrow some cash from him to get some things done around the house that need doing. Maybe I could even afford to turn the heat up a bit this winter. After all, he has to live here too, so it's only fair that he should help foot the bills. But then if he has to use my email account he must not have his own, which means he probably can't afford his own ISP account. Just my luck to get stuck with a slacker alter ego— not to mention one so dumb or lazy that he doesn't even sign up for G-mail.

But at least he isn't eating my food or drinking my beer while I'm non-conscious. I'd be sure to know if any of that was missing. My memory isn't that bad yet. I just wish I knew why so many colleges are bent on recruiting him. "Dear Zach, You've impressed me with all of your achievements so far. My admission staff and I are excited to see what you'll do next...." says the Executive Vice President of Gordon College in Wenham, Massachusetts. And from the Dean of Admissions of a Connecticut school comes this: "Dear Zach, With your talents, I'm sure you have the attention of many top colleges and universities - please count the University of Hartford among them!" And if New England is a bit too stuffy for Zach, here's this offer: "Zach,
You've already demonstrated that you're serious about your college future. So stay ahead of the pack with the help of two college search tools from Hofstra University...."

I think I might be a bit envious of Zach. I never got such attentions when I was his age. I had a piss-poor high school record, and had to start out at my community college on academic probation. But I'm betting that the little bugger just blows off college and continues to hang around here with me, clogging my inbox with emails from schools whose efforts to recruit him are doomed to fail. Imaginary kids these days just don't appreciate what is being handed to them on a digital platter. If I have additional personalities I hope they have more ambition than Zach. I'd like to amount to something someday, especially if I have to go to the trouble of being somebody else to do it.

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