rejectomorph (flying_blind) wrote,


It was a very strange way to wake up, especially after insufficient sleep. At first I was aware of the noise of a leaf blower, but then almost immediately I heard something else— something like some really bad new age music being played on tubular bells by an autistic kid. In my muddled brain, I suddenly pictured an ice cream truck broken down, with its music box playing at a reduced speed the same few notes over and over, while somebody trying to be helpful carved up the body of the driver with a chain saw. WTF?!

I finally dragged myself out of bed and looked outside. No stranded ice cream truck in view, nor any cadavers undergoing dismemberment, but my next door neighbor was using a leaf blower on her driveway, and the quasi-musical noise was coming from said leaf blower. Again, WTF!?

The only thing I can imagine is that somebody has come up with a leaf blower that makes these irritating music-ish sounds in the mistaken belief that these hellish bells will mask the blower noise enough to make bystanders think "Gee, that's not so bad now." Well, it's bad! It's the aural equivalent of those vile masking agents people spray in their bathrooms after taking a particularly foul dump.

I didn't go out and ask the neighbor WTF was happening with her demented Oldfieldian leaf blower, as I don't yet have one of those hats that, when your head explodes, sprays a stream of corn syrup to make the bits of brains, blood, hair, and skull with which you splatter people more appealing to them.

The noise was weird, yet oddly ethereal, like the proverbial music of the spheres, but broken. I imagined my fundamentalist neighbors waking from naps to hear this racket and think they were about to be raptured. "Doris, call the kids and make sure they aren't sinning! I think the Lord's coming back right now!" No, you're not heaven-bound just yet, Bob. It's only a Satanic garden implement.

Anyway, the unpleasant experience may turn out to have a beneficial side. It gave me an idea for a new invention. It's a pill that, when taken with gassy foods, will perfume your flatulence. I'm thinking I might try to sell the idea to the makers of Old Spice. That would be sure to be a big hit among people who buy such things as musical leaf blowers.

Oh, by the way, the weather was very nice. Other neighbors later took advantage of the mild afternoon and brought out their leaf blowers, too, but none of those blowers had backup bands. Good thing, too. I might have been compelled to kill somebody with my rake.

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