Oh the relentless sunny days reminding me of what I don't do anymore. Like write journal entries on time and remember to post them. It's not that I'm out enjoying the sun, either. I hid indoors all day, and continue to hide now, long after nightfall. I probably need a vitamin D supplement. I'm not a lumberjack and I'm not okay. I sleep all night but don't work by day. I don't cut trees, I forget to eat lunch, but I go and go and go to the lavatory. Sometimes I go online shopping, but never had buttered scones for tea.
Is this what is wrong with my life? Should I cut a tree? Should I find some scones? Should I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars? Probably not. I should just wait quietly for the end, I think, and try to eat fewer things that give me reflux. I'd sort of like to sleep now, but the risk of drowning in my own stomach acid is too high. I'm going to eat some antacids and try to stay awake another couple of hours. Maye this excellent 1950s version of Ravel's Concerto for the Left Hand will hold my attention and keep me from nodding off:
Loosing track again. I think I'm running at least a day behind, but behind what I have no clue. And last week I was a day ahead. One would think I'd have noticed being lapped, but no. I don't even notice when hours go by anymore, let alone days or weeks. Right now I've got stuff sitting out waiting to be turned into dinner, but I keep forgetting it, just like I keep forgetting this entry which has sat here unfinished multiple times all afternoon and evening until I've stumbled back onto it.
But I think I'm just about to nap again. Or maybe go to sleep for the night. Monday is probably a total loss. I just ate some soda crackers with unsalted tops. Oddly, I the package still calls them saltines. Can you legally call crackers with unsalted tops saltines? Apparently you can in America. Yet the crackers themselves are not particularly salty. I can be salty myself sometimes, but it takes energy, and I don't have much of that anymore. When I try I just put myself to sleep. I should do that now. Sleep, I mean. If I stay awake I'll just wish I were somewhere else.
Dinner for breakfast again, following morning at midnight, and a wish to still be asleep. My brain feels like a muddled Miró, comically scary though incomprehensible. Imaginary obscenities wander through, filling my head with flonktwaddles, bumblertwimps, disgraceful sclagtwankling and horrendous schlizwidery. I may be arrested for giving spellcheck obscene nightmares. It is a minor, after all. And uh-oh, I might have just accidentally summoned a demon, because something has now jabbed a sharp needle into my prostate. I knew, I knew, I knew I should have gone back to sleep!
After sleeping more than seven hours and not getting up until nine o'clock this morning, one would think that I'd be rested, but here I am yawning and it isn't even noon yet. I'd like to go back to sleep, but the bright sun is making a glare even through the blinds, so I'd probably be kept awake by that. Maybe for the best. I've been watching fire videos and might have daytime nightmares. I'll probably end up watching videos most of the day. If I can even stay focused for that.
On Wednesday I made arrangements to go to the bank and get my bathroom light replaced, but somehow I'd lost track of a day and thought it was then Thursday and I was arranging to go out on Friday, so I ended up going on Thursday instead, which doesn't make any significant difference, and might actually have been an advantage because the bank was totally devoid of other patrons so I got served right away.
The hardware store we went to to get the bulbs for the light fixture was nearly empty, so that went fast too. I'd hoped to stop at another nearby store as well, but after the hardware store I was totally exhausted and couldn't do any more. It turns out I have even less energy than I'd thought I had. I am now astonished that I can still even get around this apartment. It's over 500 square feet!
Anyway, the light is now fixed (or as fixed as the cheap piece of crap fixture the dumbass flippers installed six years ago can get) and I am able to see how badly I shaved last time. It's a good thing I didn't have more places to go, because I looked like a decrepit homeless guy. But then since I've never really felt at home in the mini-metropolis, that's pretty close to what I actually am.
And today I'm all achy, probably from the several minutes of walking about in the store and the parking lot, and struggling with those seatbelts that are so awkward to reach when you get old and less flexible, plus some ill-advised tidying I did around the apartment. I just can't do that crap anymore. I think I need a nap. Though it probably won't do much good. Sleeping seven hours last night didn't. then I'll be up at midnight fixing dinner. Wednesday dinner, at that. Old brains, it turns out, are slow and stupid. Who knew?
It's really sad that I've found something to do this morning, because what I've found to do is follow the bad news from Los Angeles. The fire in Pacific Palisades has spread down to the Pacific Coast Highway and obliterated miles of landmarks, and it appears to be heading toward Malibu where it's likely to do more of the same. Even sadder for me is the fire that started in Eaton Canyon and has already wiped out a big chunk of Altadena, a place I've known since early childhood. Evacuations have been ordered in neighborhoods as far west as Glendale.
The most recent reports I've seen from reliable sources say this fire had already expended to more than 10,000 acres about three hours ago. Unverified Idernet gossip is claiming that such significant landmarks as Pasadena High School are gone, but the losses verified by photographs are bad enough. These include a significant number of businesses along the North Lake Avenue commercial district in Altadena. The wind is expected to continue, so odds are a lot more of the town will burn.
Well look what I forgot to do again. And probably not the only thing, but my memory isn't telling me what else there might be. I'm getting tired of all the sun, but the forecast is saying sun for the next two weeks at least. And (the horror) the high Thursday is supposed to be 69. Good grief. We are doomed. And bad as it is here it's worse to the south. A good sized chunk of Los Angeles is already in flames, and there's no sight of rain either there nor here. The only good thing to come of this unseasonable warmth will be my lower power bill. I doubt it will be worth it. Man, I'm hating this year already.
The stuff going on with my neck is getting very annoying. Getting pains like cramps at least half a dozen times a day now. I suspect it's from something out of place, and I should probably make an appointment with a chiropractor, if I can get one. It's been over six years since I've had an adjustment. back then I didn't mind so much going out though, and over the last couple of years I've come to detest it. What was once merely an inconvenience is now an utterly exhausting chore. But I'm probably about to reach the point at which the neck pain is sufficiently worse than the going out pain that I'll endure the latter for relief from the former.
I think I'm also getting to the point where I'll tolerate the nightmare of online shopping again, as there is stuff I need. I need a pair of some sort of actual shoes, and I've seen to types advertised on the Idernet that might be adequate. One is called "Wide Comfort" and features Velcro flaps instead of laces, and the other has laces but shows a foot going into them without them being untied, which is pretty much what I need now that I've gotten so inflexible that I can't really reach shoes to tie them. I fear I might not be able to master the Velcro pads either, due to the inflexibility, so I'm sort of leaning toward the other style. I can't remember what they are called though.
I would also like to get one of those Japanese style kitchen knives I've seen, as I'm not doing too well with the conventional knives I now use. I don't know if the Japanese knife will actually make me less of a tomato butcher or prevent potato slices from sticking to the knife surface, but it might be worth a try if it isn't too expensive. I've seen them advertised for around thirty bucks or less, which would not be too bad, especially if it increases the odds that I'll get to keep all my fingers longer. I've heard that getting fingers reattached is very costly indeed.
There are a number of other items I could use, such as a few more of the hoodies like those I got from J. C. Penney not long ago. They are the most comfortable I've ever had, and the colors are not repulsive. They might be on clearance sale in the next month or so. I also want some tank tops that don't ride up. The only two I've got that I like were part of a closeout sale at Kohl's last year, and I don't know if they even make them anymore, but I'll be monitoring the web site to see if they turn up. A couple more pairs of the knitted pajama bottoms that have become my first choice for daily wear around the house would be nice too. They are another Kohl's item.
But I have no idea why I'm rambling on about shopping, which is almost as annoying a subject as it is an activity. Probably because I really have nothing of any actual importance to say. That almost certainly being the case, I should just shut the hell up. One of the last things I should want is to have this boring crap in writing so I can relive it someday by reading it. So, I'm going to shut the hell up, since that's surely the smartest thing I've said in this entire entry.
The mundane is driving even the routine out of my head. Sleeping all night again Saturday, then waking up to the end of darkness Sunday morning, and then another entire day when I got nothing done and promptly forgot. I remember once seeing an ad for pork products that said "We use everything but the squeal." Whatever devours me will probably use everything but the sadness. I'm pretty sure that sadness is immortal.
Losing track again, of hours, days, tasks, just about anything. I'm sure this is not the only thing I've not done today, but I haven't realized what any other is. I expect I'll wake in the dark with a bee in my bonnet making demands I'll be in no position to satisfy. I always thought I knew what it was like to be tired. Lately I've discovered I didn't. I hope I do now, because if there's more tired than this I don't want to experience it.
I wonder if today was just a placeholder and will be displaced later? I sort of hope so. I'm sure I'd rather remember something else, though I expect all memory of this will soon vanish anyway. It's barely been here, all along.
