caillebotte_man at his window

Reset Nineteen, Day Eighteen

Saturday turned into a nap night, and the nap lasted until two o'clock this morning. Full nights (or days) of sleep and short naps are both things of the past for me. Now I've looked out the window and the sky is turning light. The hours fell like dust. All I remember is that the mockingbird was singing every time I went outside. It said everything. There's nothing left for me to say.

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Reset Nineteen, Day Seventeen

Friday was not memorable. Though I didn't wake up until near noon, that was only about six hours of sleep, and around sunset I felt very tired and almost took a nap, but decided to push through and wait until after midnight. That meant I didn't feel like cooking dinner, and I ended up waiting until much later when I just had some peanut butter and orange marmalade on toast, with a glass of chocolate milk. A kid's lunch instead of an adult dinner was probably not the best idea, but it's too late to second guess myself mow.

It's late indeed, going on six o'clock. I'm not sure how well I'll sleep today, since the high is going to be 85 degrees, and the apartment will probably get too warm around noon. Sometimes when it gets too warm I can just imagine myself lazing on the beach and that sometimes lets me return to sleep, but it doesn't always work. Odds are I'll end up short of sleep again today and end up needing a nap this evening. The high was earlier predicted to be 90 today, but that has been postponed until Sunday, with Monday added for good (or bad) measure. Displeasure will inevitably ensue.

The lizard made no appearance Friday, but the mockingbird was singing off and on all afternoon, and several times overnight. It might be trying to attract a mate. I don't know that much about mockingbird behavior. I'm glad to have it around though. It's a nice distraction from the general monotony, and a much more pleasant one than the occasional noise generated by the car fans who are still having their gatherings in the old Kmart parking lot on Friday and Saturday nights. Impromptu drag strips don't make the best neighbors.

As warm as the days have become, the nights have remained blessedly cool for now, and once the freeway calms down at night it is pleasant enough to sit in the back yard, missing the stars. The waxing crescent moon was visible for a while, in its springtime grin configuration, but even that has grown blurry to my failing eyes. Even if the sky here were dark enough to reveal stars, they'd be blurry too. I've pretty much resigned myself to never seeing actual starry sky again, and will content myself with photographs and the occasional glance at a Van Gogh in digital form. And maybe some day (or night) I'll find myself dreaming of the night sky as I used to see it, and maybe I'll even remember it when I wake up. Maybe it will be today. The prospect might help me get to sleep now.
caillebotte_the orangerie

Reset Nineteen, Day Sixteen

Thursday bore some resemblance to normal, in so far as normal exists anymore. I got to sleep not long after five in the morning and woke up a bit after noon, and felt no need of a nap thereafter. I had a very good avocado with some crackers for a late lunch, and then a decent-sized late dinner. The balmy afternoon invited me to sit outdoors, and I was the small lizard sunning itself on a sandbag left over from the flood two years ago. That reminded me that the flood was two years ago, which made me wonder where the time has gone.

Half of that time has of course gone to being stuck in this apartment, which is a bit distressing, but spilt milk. Perhaps we will become unstuck soon, but I doubt that this will act as a brake on time. Time wants to go fast these days, and time is much like a cat: it does what it wants. Then it expects you to feed it.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. To know where you are going you need to know where you've been, and I've forgotten most of that. It might even be possible to convince me that I haven't been anywhere. After all, there's no solid evidence that I've been anywhere. It's just my word against time's. Time usually wins. It has infinite patience. And why not, since it has all of itself in the world.

In a couple of days there will be a day with a high temperature of 90 degrees. If I have the windows open the night before I might not need to turn on the air conditioner. That's an event that should be put off as long as possible. A whole string of days in the eighties is coming up, but luckily the nights will continue to be cool at least through the end of the month. I might be able to avoid air conditioning until May.

It would be nice to avoid sneezing too, but that's out of the question. Pollen season is in full swing, and I'm surprised that I didn't scare that little lizard away, I sneezed so much while I was out there. I keep hoping tomorrow won't be so bad. Tomorrow is always worse. But at least I haven't gotten any mosquito bites yet this year. Thankful for small favors. Now if I could get rid of these tiny fruit flies or whatever they are, life would almost verge on the not entirely unpleasant.

Ninety degrees. In April. Crap.

Reset Nineteen, Day Fifteen

Wednesday went quite pear-shaped. After waking up about five o'clock in the morning, I muddled through the morning and then hit a wall around half past two in the afternoon. I went to take a nap that ended up lasting until eight o'clock in the evening. That made a total of around twelve hours of sleep since eleven o'clock Tuesday evening. I woke from the second sleep with the feeling that I'd been having very strange dreams, but couldn't remember any details from them.

Though somewhat less muddled that the period between the two sleeps, I still didn't feel effectively brained in the evening, so I didn't attempt to do ay significant cooking for dinner. I just made a grilled cheese sandwich, which proved adequate. More recently, a bowl of popcorn served as a near-bedtime snack. I don't feel extremely sleepy, but if I read for a while I might drop off before dawn.

I was outside a while ago and the mockingbird was down the bike path singing. I wonder what he has to be so cheerful about in the middle of the night? Can I get some of that?

Reset Nineteen, Day Fourteen

A nap started around ten o'clock Tuesday evening turned into almost a full night's sleep, and I got up not long after five o'clock this morning. Being unaccustomed to being awake this time of day has me dazed, and I'm wondering if I'll end up collapsing in a heap sometime this afternoon. In the meantime I'm just wandering around unable to figure out what to do next. I suppose I should eat something, but what do people eat at ten o'clock in the morning? I'm so confused.
laszlo moholy-nagy_chx

Reset Nineteen, Day Thirteen

Monday managed to be an exhausting day even though I did next to nothing. My niece went shopping for me, but the store was out of several items I wanted, and provided a limited supply of another. I have but one box of six donuts, and no fresh cream cheese or onion buns, and the type of cheddar and the plain sparkling water and the cold brewed tea I'm low on were not available. But I did get asparagus, orange juice, butter, mayonnaise, pepper jack cheese, ramen bowls, a mango, bananas, avocados, strudel, and dish washing liquid.

Of course I also forgot to put a couple of things on the list, even though I rewrote it three times. It's remarkable how difficult such a simple task as making a shopping list has become. My ability to organize things is deteriorating, and my lettering has grown so sloppy I can barely read it myself, even when I write carefully. Plus my memory gets worse every day, which is how I managed to miss a rare bargain on a pricy brand of spaghetti sauce I wanted. I have a jar of another brand in my cupboard, but it is nowhere near as good. I'll curse my faulty memory when I eat it. That won't teach me!

Now that the shopping is done, I can get back to my routine, such as it is. Right now I'm having a bowl of popcorn, and then I'm going to go read something before going to sleep. If I can sleep. All the excitement of having had a chore done for me has me on edge. How did I even survive?

Reset Nineteen, Day Twelve

Sunday was as dull as usual, which means pretty much like any other day these days, but slightly quieter, with less traffic on the freeway. As I didn't feel like cooking, I microwaved a ramen bowl for dinner, and more recently had some cream cheese on toast. The latter might have been a bad idea. My stomach has begun feeling bloated. I wonder if my childhood lactose intolerance is coming back? Other stuff I had when I was a kid has been returning, so I wouldn't be surprised. On the other hand, maybe I'm just developing a gluten allergy. That wouldn't surprise me either.

Arrangements have been made for my niece to pick some groceries up for me this afternoon. I have to re-do the list. Lists are getting harder to make. Both my writing and my ability to organize things are deteriorating. Making a list legible and getting all the items in the right sequence for easy shopping are... things. Sequencing is especially difficult when I can't remember where certain items are in a particular store. The store I'm getting stuff from this time is the one I go to least often, so it isn't very clear in my mind.

At the moment my ban is feeling dead, so I don't think I'm going to remember the other stuff I was going to say. Or maybe I just imagined there was other stuff to be said. Oh, I remember one thing: the mockingbird came by for a late night concert a while ago. I happened to be outside, and heard the whole thing. The freeway was quiet most of the time it was going on, too. That was nice. Maybe I'll sleep better remembering that pleasant music.
caillebotte_man at his window

Reset Nineteen, Day Eleven

I nodded off at the computer again and then thought, well, I'll just go take a nap until midnight or so, and then I looked at the clock and saw that midnight had already passed and Saturday was gone. Sometimes time will mug you and take everything you've got, but there are subtler criminals, sneakthiefs who steal away with hours themselves, and all that's in them, so when you realize your pockets have been picked and your watch is gone you stand there like somebody who missed the last bus in a strange town, and you don't know just where you are or how you got there, or what to do next.

Disconcerted and disgruntled with myself I went outside and sat in the back yard's cool night air to try to wake myself up, but in my thoughts I'm still wandering through unknown streets finding nothing familiar. I thought about the frogs I used to hear, and the owls, and the scent of jasmine in the night air, but that was in May, wasn't it? What did April smell like? New grass, maybe, and pine resin. It hardly seems real, now. My back yard just smells of damp decay, as I finally remembered to water it Saturday evening, and the leaves I never raked up but simply hosed against the low retaining wall are still wet. Maybe there's a faint hint of exhaust fumes from the nearby freeway, where the traffic continues later on Saturday nights. These are not comforting smells.

It's about time I tried to sleep again, but in the bed. Armless chairs are no place to drop off.

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Reset Nineteen, Day Ten

Friday I managed to wake up not long after two o'clock, so the evening was not too short. It remained balmy outside for a while, and I sat under the enormous bush, with unopened and half-opened buds dropping on me now and then as the dusk gathered and the sky turned ever darker shades of blue, and then a shade of black washed out by city lights. I don't think I quit being sad for at least an hour.

To cheer myself up I baked one of my frozen vegetable lasagnas. I intended to make garlic toast with the heel of the French bread I still had, but it had gone moldy so I had to settle for using the heels of a loaf of ordinary white bread. Not as good. It doesn't get crunchy the way French bread does. But the lasagna was good, and succeeded in its task. I've been no more than intermittently morose since then.

Today is to be the first in a row of three somewhat hot days, with highs in the eighties, and I'm not looking forward to it with any pleasure. I comfort myself (if such a thing can be called comforting) that it will soon enough be hotter still, and that will be even more unpleasant. Summer, like death and taxes, is unavoidable, except of curse for those who can switch hemispheres for a season. I am not among those few. Perhaps I should run away from home and become a pirate, and sail away to New Zealand until October. Probably not, though.

Clearly I'm getting to bed too late again, so will probably get up too late again, then go to bed too late again again. Life might be easier if I could still stick to a damned schedule.

Reset Nineteen, Day Nine

Sleep went erratic again and I didn't get out of bed until four o'clock Thursday afternoon. At least my body got out of bed, and though my brain must have come along with it, that part might still be asleep even now, I'm not sure. It was a bit cooler Thursday, and it is almost cold outside tonight, and my furnace has come on for the first time in several days (as far as I know— it might have come on a few times while I was asleep.) Anyway, I haven't been paying much attention to anything, and I don't even remember what I ate for dinner. I know I had some popcorn a little while ago, but everything before that is just a fog. Maybe I should have the popcorn for breakfast, and then perhaps I'd remember more of the days.

I checked the store ads a while ago and found that the only store to have an assortment of things I want is the one that has its special sale on Monday, so I'll see if I can get my niece to pick some stuff up for me that day. I was hoping the stores with the Friday specials would have the things I want, but they don't. I'll be eating my last substitute brand donut today, so it would have been nice to get some fresh ones for tomorrow, but I guess I'll have to wait until Tuesday for my next one. In the meantime it will be cookies.

Right now I'm going to put my probably-already-sleeping brain to bed, and hope that I can wake up a bit earlier today. It's not very likely though.